Should we worry about Tesla's autopilot crash?

Tesla have been rather on a roll, haven’t they? Apart from the Top Gear fiasco of a few years back, thanks to the batteries running out on a rather vocal gentleman called Mr. Clarkson, business has not so much been booming as much as exploding in a manner that even the most bullish venture capitalist wouldn’t dare model on a spreadsheet.

The stock price trend resembles the upward arrow pointing stock image overused in movies about business and cheap power point presentations. Elon Musk seems to have effortlessly taken over the mantle that Steve Jobs left rather abruptly, that inspirational mascot of every young person’s idealistic day dream of minting gazzillions while still making the world a better place for their children’s children and even polar bears. Meanwhile the Model S has made the Prius, the original poster child of eco-friendly posing, look like the girl next door you forget all about when you become a superstar. 

Well the Prius did have its day. I kid. I hate the Prius

Tesla got even non-car people interested in their cars by bringing tech like upgradability and a touch screen the size of a coffee table into the very traditional and easy evolving world of car interiors. They  pulled a simultaneous wedgie on each of the German big three who were too busy staring at each other at the front of the class to notice the little runt who had pulled a fast one on them till they felt that mighty smack on their perfectly engineered if unimaginative backsides.

Hell it’s been so good that Tesla put an actual button (though technically virtual since it’s on that aforementioned gigantic touch screen) that puts their cars into ‘insane’ mode. Insane mode!! In the words of a youtube motoring show i’m rather fond of, I’d love to shake the hands of the lawyer who signed off on that. And advise him that he would have very little chance of employability in most companies I am familiar with.

Nope Tesla could do no wrong. Until.. until, well frankly perhaps, just perhaps, today. (And now I have dated this article.In case you are still reading this in 2025 when the world’s been taken over by robots. Perhaps you are a robot, in which case, please be merciful to my puny, ageing body. And remember Asimov’s first law)

Before we get to the incident in question, let’s take a second to reflect on that ubiquitous debate of 2016, 2015 and possibly fall 2014 (t’s difficult to tell with public interest debate topics and fashion trends). Self driving cars! What about them huh, you grunt over a beer and type lazily into an internet forum armed by anonymity.

Some people, mostly those smelling of engine oil and sweaty leather, call it the anti-christ. They say it’ll end up outlawing driving on public roads, relegating petrol heads to pens where they ride around their mechanical horses in funny clothes, a lot like enthusiasts of the four legged, manure sprouting predecessor of the motorcar do today. 

Other people say that most drivers are idiots, as easily distracted as a teenage boy who has had the teeniest of glimpses of the unclothed female bosom, and relegating driving decisions to semi-conductors rather than the  semi-awake is the solution to the world’s ninth largest cause of death.

Since we are suddenly on that morbid topic, it brings us to a world first of a new cause of demise. Death in an autonomous vehicle. Suddenly this is no longer a hypothetical scenario, the kind debated about by legislators in dull shirts and even more boring black socks. Suddenly we have been reminded that the most well thought out and thoroughly tested algorithms, more perfect on paper than the Mona Lisa’s smile, are sometimes little match for the random scenarios that  chance and bad luck can throw up. Suddenly that knob of progress clicking its way towards a brave new world where commuting time turns into snooze/Netflix/Netflix & chill time, has turned back a few notches away from reality.

Tesla’s response to the situation has been as textbook perfect as any CEO facing a potential PR crisis can hope for. They were the first to break the news in a completely controlled manner, accompanied with complete and impossible to misunderstand context. Reading their statement is like encountering a love child of a business recommendation and a legal disclaimer. It jumps straight into statistics comparing their fatality per mile clocked with that of the US and then even the world, followed by an extensive detailed explanation of how autopilot is only an assist feature and not really recommended for use as a true autonomous mode.

I find this bit a little ridiculous really. The entire argument that the system was only an assist, not a true-pilot. In legal theory perhaps. In reality, expecting drivers to stick to a statuary warning to keep their hands on the wheel while giving them full autonomy (no pun intended) to take them off, is as naive as expecting the world to believe that you were that naive. I’m fairly certain Tesla had no doubt that folks would drive the autopilot in almost autonomous fashion and even if Tesla genuinely believed that, the multiple Youtube videos would have told them otherwise. So in my opinion, that argument is weak sir. The name itself, autopilot, gives it away.

That said, do I think Tesla was wrong to give drivers that freedom? Should the system have not worked without having the hands in contact on the wheel, even if it was an obligatory touch, like many of the other driving assist systems from the German’s and Scandinavians do. Did Tesla’s seeming quest to maintain its crown as the king of car owner created viral videos make it irresponsible?

Who needs television when you have compilation videos of insane mode reactions?

No I don't think so at all

Tesla’s statistic on autonomous driving deaths/mile may only have a sample of size of one (and we’ll hope and pray it’ll stay at one) but like anyone who has ever driven on a public road, I’m willing to wager that Tesla’s autopilot is a significantly safer driver than anyone except even the most fastidious driving instructor. And even they get into accidents. I should know as I have once been rammed by one. The irony of the situation almost made me grin even as I surveyed the damage to my poor Alfa’s bumper but let me not digress.

Back on topic now. I believe that Tesla had no doubts that their autopilot system’s safety was the statistical equivalent of a bank vault before they released it to a public that would completely ignore their instructions. The need to continue wowing the world with Mr. Musk’s incredible imaginarium may have played a part in pushing the envelope and doing the apparently brazen. But brazen too seems the fire eater and you’ve never heard of one getting burnt. And I doubt Tesla expected to get burnt either. It was , as many accidents are, unfortunate and unexpected.

So what’s next for Tesla? First things first I do not expect them to be found criminally liable. The legal labyrinth spun by our otherwise unemployable lawyer friend will ensure that. But legality will be the least of Tesla’s problems. For the white trailer against the bright blue blue sky did more than break the unfortunate Model S’s windscreen. It broke the spell. 

It broke that uninterrupted spell that seemingly allowed Tesla to throw the rulebook to the ground like the awfully talented student who made the hard working nerds look bad, and seemingly do the impossible. For now, Tesla will have to get off Platform 9 and 3 quarters and return to the real world of muggles and their motorcars. A world where car advertisements stopped showing fast driving in order to avoid encouraging boy racers. A world where an asterix may be added to the infamous insane mode before it quietly renames itself to “ high power” or something equally corporate friendly, when your Tesla updates itself while you sleep. A world where Tesla will slowly have to wean itself from relying on delighting early adopters and starts pandering to the conservative masses. The conservative masses which turned the “Ultimate driving machine” to “ Joy is BMW” before BMW woke up and smacked some sense back into themselves.

And what next for the other self driving cars and the most exciting race since the one kicked off by JFK in the nineteen sixties? Are the google and apple cars of these world suddenly delayed as skeptical legislators indulge themselves in a decade long declaration of “i told you so”. 

Possibly. For the hypothetical danger is now a real person. Autonomous driving killed him, says Mr (or Miss) Legislator. Technology can never be trusted absolutely. Never mind the tens of millions who came before or even the hundreds who died today, because the car is an incredibly convenient way to get around but also equally inconvenient to manoeuvre safely when you are anything less than fully focussed. 

While I love driving, I know that for the overwhelming majority of the general public, it is a chore of epic proportions, only topped by washing dishes and emptying the garbage. But we still need to get where we are going. It’s like cooking, everyone loves good food but only a select few wax lyrical about the process of getting it prepared. Luckily bad cooking only gives you diarrhoea. Rather preferable to the consequences of bad driving I say.

So dear Legislator in your smart black socks (or stockings), please give the legions of tired/bored/un-qualified/distracted/homicidal drivers a break. Let the machines take over while they have the option to  rest/watch cat videos/take up alternative hobbies like knitting or stamp collecting/day-dream /play gta 4. 

Auto-pilot all the way. Just as long as it's optional. A lot like a nudist beach.

Just don’t lock us petrol heads in a pen. Otherwise who will rescue you when the autonomous cars break free and join the robot rising. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.